Panic and apple cake

Oh it's hard to keep the sadness away when you're tired and I was really tired today (Kate please remember your keys next time you're out late!) Daily I manage to keep the full enormity of our tragedy at bay but there are times I catch a glimpse of what lies ahead, for him, for me - just out of the corner of my eye - and I hear a whisper of the grief that lies ahead. I don't let myself think about it. The sadness is always there but I can't let it overwhelm me. There will be plenty of time for grief and the day will come when I will have to face it, but -it is not this day!



So I kept the panic at bay and took comfort in the little things. We went out for lunch together and that gave me a chance to check in with him. We're honest with each other, I think - some of the things he talked about I can share here. He's worried about when he should retire, how long before he can't walk, being dependent - that damned rollator...what can I say? I listened, and touched his hand - and let him pay for lunch, as usual! Then I settled him outside the cafe with an espresso and the eternal cigar, and took refuge in the balm of retail therapy. When we got home I made an apple cake and took a housewifely pride in its success. I brought Roch into Hammersmith to meet Christy, just to have that time with him (it's so easy to talk in the car, I find) and later I finished the ironing (my sister will appreciate what an achievement that is!), listening to my new Paul Brady CD. I remind myself that we still have him, and there are many joys to come.