In New York

In New York
Rochsmefeller

Sunday 27 May 2018

The Last Post: Free of the Monkey

It’s a long time since I added to the Blog. My heart just wasn’t in it and over the past year perhaps I was reluctant to share the intimacies of our life together, as it came to a close. I was ill over Christmas, and even then I think I knew it was the last Christmas together. His breathing had become much worse and he could not do without his ventilator for very long. He grew fatigued quickly and had lost the ability to lift his arms or move at all in bed. He had had enough and knew that his reliance on artificial non-invasive ventilation gave him a choice about when to bring things to an end. 

February 4th saw the climax of some months’ filming with Channel 4 for the coming series of programmes with Grayson Perry in which he sets out to explore Rites of Passage in Life. We were privileged to spend time filming with Grayson on a number of occasions for one of these programmes and Roch was grateful for the opportunity offered through participation in the programme to share his thoughts and feelings about facing his own death. 

On February 4th friends and family came together for a ceremony, led by Grayson, which celebrated Roch’s life and gave everyone close to him the chance to tell him how much he meant to them and let him know the impact he had had on their lives. It was a momentous day for us as a family and precious indeed are the memories for us now. The programmes will air in the autumn.

It was then that Roch spoke in public about his decision to request the withdrawal of ventilation. He wanted some control over the end of his life, he said. It was, he said, no reflection on the care he had received throughout his illness, from professionals, Carers and family alike. We had to respect his decision. 
On 23rd April, Kate, Tom and I went with him to the Hospice and spent two days and nights with him there. 
On 25th April, at his request, at 10:30am, ventilation was withdrawn and Kate, Tom and I were with him through every moment until the end. The end came, sooner than expected, at 12pm and was a peaceful passing. A shaft of sunlight shone directly on his face as he breathed his last. Moments later, the skies darkened and the rain came. 

I cannot praise the Hospice staff enough for the care Roch received and the support given to us all - at home, in the weeks preceding his admission and in the hospice at every single stage. At every meeting, up to the final moment before his ventilation was withdrawn, they asked him if it was still his wish. His answer at the very end: “Absolutely.”

The monkey took him from us so I guess you can say the monkey won, but in the end, Roch faced death on his own terms. I often longed for the monkey to leave Roch, and now he is free of it forever. Be careful what you wish for. 

“He is not here; but far away
    The noise of life begins again,
    And ghastly thro’ the drizzling rain
On the bald street breaks the blank day.”

                                               Alfred, Lord Tennyson

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