Extract from notebook 23/11/2010
What would happen if I ate sensibly and took some exercise? If I didn't feel tired ALL THE TIME? If I went back to Pilates once a week? If I meditated for 20 minutes every day? If I prayed (why have I stopped praying?). If I wrote 3 sentences every day? If I blogged as often as I had orginally intended? Would all that make me feel better? Would I feel less scrambled up, tinny, jangly, stretched? What would happen if I took some deep breaths? (Now, there's a thought). If I stopped.
Stopped making endless lists (they sit in my notebook as a constant reproach). Stopped ceaselessly turning thoughts over and over in my head - sofas, death, ramps, beds, measurements, paint colours - jewelled bead, frozen marrow, tint of a hint of a not quite cream but definitely not magnolia, oh for God's sake, MAKE A DECISION! Is the curtain material too much? Will the bed fit downstairs? (Just measure it!). Will Tom get into Sixth Form at St. Mark's? (Take that tone out of your voice, young man!). Will Kate EVER get rid of that cough, and keep up with the work, and be ok - so far away? OmiGod Roch can be so annoying but what will I do without him/What will it be like?/My life is closing in on me/oops nearly went to THAT PLACE but came back just in time...Will I ever get rid of the dust in the house? Will that painter ever stop talking? Oh shit I have to get up at 6 for work, must post that parcel to Kate...
Maybe now would be a good time to take a deep breath.