I'm thinking of investing in a pair of boxing gloves. Yes, really. I think it would really help to be able to punch something. Of course, I'd have to actually buy the punchbag too (in case anyone was worried about what I'd be punching). I'm finding it difficult to 'access my anger'. Oh, it's there all right...as Paul Brady would say, 'Don't come too close..'
I talked to my counsellor about crying the other day. I don't seem to be doing it enough. I feel sad all the time, I mean, it's always there - the default setting, if you like. I wondered if I should make an effort, you know, sit down and feel it, try to let it out? But we agreed that that would be false. I have to let it happen naturally. I think she was encouraged when I told her that I had cried on Saturday, watching TV. I don't know if you watch 'Over the Rainbow', the search for a West End 'Dorothy'? Now admittedly there's a lot there to cry over - Graham Norton's wardrobe, Andrew Lloyd Webber's facial expressions...however these left me unmoved. But as I watched young Jenny ascend to the heavens on her sickle moon, singing her heart out - 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' - her West End dream shattered, well, I cried. I mean, those lyrics - 'Birds fly over the rainbow, why then oh why can't I?'
I think we all know I wasn't crying for Jenny.
Anyway, it's a good thing to cry, and I shouldn't stop myself. I admit that on that occasion, I did stop myself. I mean, how embarrassing was that? But next time, I will sob unashamedly.