In New York

In New York

Sunday, 11 September 2011

A dream

Last night I dreamt that I was reading the book of Roch's life. In my dream I am excited about this because I know it means that I will find out how his life ends. In reality this is something which preoccupies both of us. In the dream I read the words of a review which describes his life as coming to 'a joyful ending' and my dream self is so glad about this. As I read, I feel guilt that I haven't always appreciated him during his life. I am impatient to reach the final chapter, and speculate about how the end could have been 'joyful'. Often in biographies the centre of the book contains photographs and so it is with this. There is one photograph which particularly strikes me. It is a photograph of Roch on what seems to be an Arctic expedition - complete with stick! Standing with a group of able bodied men in the icy wastes, wearing a thick parka, but unmistakably Roch. In my dream I suddenly realise how the end might have come - a natural end, engaged in a mission of exploration and I eagerly turn the page. But of course, that was the end of the dream.

This morning I described my dream to Roch. He told me about a person on PLM (Patientslikeme) with MND who died recently in her sleep. He feels encouraged by this. I noted his eager approval of the 'normal' dream death. There may be some of you reading this post who will feel it is morbid of me to recount my dream or perhaps unfeeling of me to have shared it with Roch. This is the reality of MND. It's a terminal illness and you can't help thinking about death and about how it will be for him at the end. It's important to be honest with each other. It's not something we talk about often but I know it's something he worries about. It's obviously on my mind too, or I wouldn't have had such a vivid dream.

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