In New York

In New York

Wednesday, 7 April 2010


Roch has pointed out that I'm not saying much about my feelings on my blog. It's a fair point. After all, that was one of the ideas behind it. Well, I'll give it a try today. I didn't sleep well last night and I think it was because of Fear. I kept waking up and when I was asleep, I dreamt. I can only remember one dream, but I remember it in some detail. I suppose you would call it a nightmare. I am at home (in a house like my childhood home). I am not alone, there is some kind of celebration and family and friends are there. I remember the face of one particular friend and she is all dressed up for the occasion. It feels like a wedding and might even be my wedding. I feel beautiful and beloved. But in a '28 days later' twist, I become aware of a threat coming from outside. Suddenly it is of the utmost importance that the house is made secure and I go to the front of the house, filled with dread, my hands shaking as I attempt to shut and lock the door. My panic rises as I see a group of people at the gate, staring at me. They begin to advance up the driveway. They don't look infected yet I know they bring death and destruction with them. I am consumed with fear. But the door will not lock. As they come closer I start to plead with them. I lie to them, telling them that I have small children and begging them to leave us alone. The door refuses to lock and still they advance.

At this point, my dream ended. When I woke up I was filled with dread and I couldn't stop thinking about being without Roch. About how our life together will be destroyed, how I will have to face life without him. I lay there in fear. We have been together now since the summer of 1987 and married since August 1990. There are some things we don't agree on, there are times when we drive each other crazy but our partnership is equal and what on earth will I do without him? And how will it be when he relies completely on me and I can't ask Roch anymore? 'In the dark watches of the night', I know I felt only a faint shadow of the loneliness ahead.

In the morning I got up, got ready and went to work, because what else can I do? Just carry on as normal. I told my line manager that I was feeling a bit fragile (my eyes started to fill at this point), she was sympathetic, and then I got on with the work. It felt like a relief and I welcomed it, but I was knackered so I left early and came home to bed for a while.

Kate is cooking Roch's signature dish 'Spaghetti Carb O'Mahera' now (under close supervision I might add) and right now I'm looking forward to eating it.

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